“What’s terrifying about praying is the loneliness of it. You show more faith praying for your first time more than any nuns. It’s so terrifying to sit alone by yourself in that silence” – Mary Karr
I will never pretend that my life right now is not in a place of privilege. Considering where I came from, I am an able-bodied married man and a global project manager who has a full-time job and a shelter during the global pandemic. I will not pretend that I am not forever grateful for that privilege.
Yet, just like the rest of the world in 2020, the pandemic has put a lot of our lives on hold, exaggerated, and exacerbate many of my anxieties and restlessness. Career ceilings and roadblocks. Racial injustice. Our adoption.
I feel lost. I always somehow had directions in my life, either by people telling me what I should do, or people telling me what I could never achieve (and so I did it anyway just to spite them). It’s just an absolute silence with many rejections right now.
I felt like the people are telling me “We wanted to find a unicorn. You look like it and you sound like it. But we would like to find a unicorn with a bigger horn.” They wanted someone with my skillsets and experience but with way more experience and years of practicing it, without giving me the opportunity to practice it.
And so I pray and I pray and I pray
Not for something to be given to me for free. Not for something to be bestowed upon me because I deserve it.
I pray for a direction. Just tell me what to do. Tell me what is the right thing to do. So I can do it and commit to it and put it 100% like I always do in my life.
I arrived at the privileged position I have today because I have always had an internal compass that drives me forward.
I wanted to go to Singapore because I wanted a better advanced-education. I left for Philadelphia because I wanted to learn and know about entrepreneurship and work in a start-up. I went to Canada because I want to be out and be authentic and be married.
I know I want to create products. I know I want to become a CTO in my lifetime of a tech company. I thought I knew how to get there. But I’m feeling incredibly restless and fearful that the past years I have spent on the wrong steps in the wrong direction. I can course correct. I will put in the work. I just don’t know where to start and I don’t have many 3-5 years cycle left to explore all the wrong directions.
And so I pray and I pray and I pray
Not for something free. Just for the opportunity to earn it.
Pace Fine Arts 