Nomadland

I realized this morning on my last day in Ottawa that I have never actively wanted to move towards something or arrive somewhere with thoughtfulness, preparation, and with prior research for scouting.

I moved to Singapore when I was 18 because I wanted a better education and a life outside of Vietnam. I had no idea what Singapore was like as a country. I had no idea what NUS was like as a university. And I got on a plane with a one-way ticket and I did that anyway.

I moved to Philadelphia for NOC program because I wanted a different way of thinking than in NUS. I was depressed and under a lot of pressure in the crushing weight of Singapore and the feeling of isolation and loss in Singapore. I had no idea what Philadelphia was like. I had no idea what Upenn was like. And I got on a plane with a bunch of strangers that would be friends and I went for it anyway.

I moved to California so I could meet someone and that I could be authentically me. I had no idea what living in the US would be like and how challenging it would be. The relationship didn’t work. 

I moved to Canada because I was tired of the US, of Vietnam, of places where I had to hide, of the isolation and of the lies and the shame and the challenges I had as a young gay immigrant. I didn’t know what Canada would be like. I only knew in Canada, I had the opportunity to be free. And I tried. 9 years later. I am here.

I think I am the same way with my job. I don’t go towards new jobs, I quit old jobs. I work until I burn out and then I seek a new experience until my next burnout. I have never really learned deeply about what the next one will entail. Perhaps until this change.

This time, I didn’t intend to leave. I gave it a try and I asked in-depth questions. I weighed the pros and cons and I actively chose the new job. I move forward to something that I want (from something quite great, actually), instead of just running away screaming from what I didn’t want.

And I’m starting to feel the same about Calgary, and Ottawa. I don’t want to leave Calgary because I’m tired of the people, the politics, and the policy of Calgary. I don’t want to just move to Ottawa without intent. I want to be in a place, with thoughtful preparation and with intention, and with a clear vision of what a life would be.

And in every vision of what a life would be, I see a person in that view. In every vision of happiness, there is a flawed, but sincere, serious, but compassionate, analytical, but sentimental, responsible, but spontaneous, person. We are still young(ish – I know Gen Z-ers have said 35 is the new boomer). I don’t know how our future and our life will turn out to be, and it is very anxiety-inducing if you read the news. But I know in every vision of a future we will have together, as long as we have each other, we are home. 

Mảnh đất giữ chân một người, khi nơi đó nằm xuống một người thân, hay đang sống một người mình thương yêu – Đất Khách, Lý Lan.