Not as my father

(I wrote this note in 2017. It’s still relevant, and still as loving, today.) 

“I am not as my father”

 was the first thing I thought,

 when I drove down the icy roads,

 in Grande Prairie, a city so foreign. 

 I was lost.

 I felt alone.

 I am not as my father,

 for I know he was never lost.

 Not figuratively, at least; because, he was strong.

He was stoic. Quiet. Mundane. As a child, I have thought.

 He moved through the post-war shadows, and the days of loss;

 living each day with the trauma in my mother’s hope.

 He moved quietly North and South, in a cross country train where things are divided

 I wonder if he ever felt lost.

“I am not as my father”, I have thought

 When I hold the child of a friend, and he gave me a hug.

 I was tender. I was soft.

 I allowed myself vulnerability. I allowed myself love.

 I allowed myself the vocabulary my father had never had.

 Love. Joy. Sadness. 

 Authenticity. Equality. Freedom of love.

 I allowed myself a sense of normalcy, a ray of hope

 that one day I could be a father

 that my son would be proud to say

 “I am as my father”

I am not as my father,

 and I felt ashamed with that.

 I didn’t have the grit, the strength, the audacity,

 and even his sense of directions.

 I didn’t have the strength to put everyone first, and then myself last.

 I couldn’t live with life, quietly in the shadows, following everyone’s step,

 because I want what’s best

 not for me, but for my family, and the people I love.

But I know I am as my father,

 in the way he loves.

 He wouldn’t call it that.

 But I know he does love. 

 Love so fiercely that he doesn’t give up hope. 

 Love so fiercely that he took of a second job, 

 to send two young ambitious sons to foreign lands, 

 so that they know love, joy and sadness.

 Love so fiercely that even when he never knew of, read, or felt this note

 He would have been proud of me,

 for writing it.

I am not as my father,

 but I’m okay with that.

 For I know, in my heart,

 He will be proud of me,

 for not being as he is,

 but for having his bravery,

 to be

As I am.