Back at my last job when I started having troubles sleeping, my last boss has shared with me a military tactic for soldiers: Imagine you are on a boat, in a calm pond, surrounded by mountains, in a dark sky with stars, bright enough to see the mountain and the boat but not too bright you can’t sleep. Then relax your body, part by part, focus on your breath. A simple enough meditation, it seems. The problem with that is every time I do it, the boat slowly disappears, and I can feel myself sinking slower and slower into the pond. Not the “holy fuck I’m gonna drown and die” kind of sinking. It’s this slow, despair kind of sinking, like the “sunken place”
I wonder if this feeling ever goes away. I, like many people, used to think “if only”. If only I get out of Vietnam. If only I get a great university degree. If only I am out. If only I become Canadian. If only have a person who loves me for who I am. If only I get married. If only I get to this stage in my career. As a Buddhist, I know it never will. “Wherever you go, there you are”. This looming shadow of a calming pond and an endless depth.
Probably not a good thing two months after starting a new job. But I’m not sure if it’s the job. Maybe it’s the holiday. The pandemic. The relationships and friendships. The isolation. The rejection. The being ignored. Who knows. I can’t remember the last time I was at peace with myself. Maybe when I was a child, sitting in front of the ocean. A lot of the peace in my life comes from water, staring at the water, being in the water, submerging in the water. Maybe when I was at the Buddhist retreat years back making patterns out of old Catholic building’s carpets (and secretly broken down and wanting to run away)
Depression is not a trigger, is not a “why are you suddenly like that?”, it’s slow creeping water, encroaching, built up from one thing after another, and it overflow at a moment. And when you are in the water, slowly sinking into that sunken place, having people on shore asking “Why are you this way?” or “Why don’t you just pull yourself up and out, it’s shallow water?” is maybe not helpful. Maybe a boat, and a hand, and a healthy dose of compassion, might help.
I often joke about “if only” I meet and fall in love and be with a “cute Buddhist boy who reads”. I know that guy. It is me. I just need to learn to love myself and be ok to be alone with me and be at peace with that. Maybe, when that day comes, I can start to sleep by envisioning being on a boat, and actually floating, not sinking, on the body of water reflecting the sky full of stars.
P.S: My first counseling session with a therapist is next Monday. So yes, I’m trying to take care of my mental health, all by myself, as usual. Don’t worry about it.
Pace Fine Arts 