What we want vs What we said we wanted

( This is an introspective meditation about inward honesty)

I’ve realized more and more lately that what we as humanity said we wanted is often at odds with what we actually want. Similarly, sometimes we only want “the good”, without “the bad”. In other words, we only wish for “the perfect” that doesn’t exist.

For example, (some) men often say “I want to date/marry a strong and independent woman”. And when they do meet one, they complain about her being too headstrong, they complain about her not needing them so they felt their masculinity is threatened. What they really want is “to conquer a strong and independent woman to be theirs”

For example, some tech companies will say “We look for independent thinkers who can break the mold, challenge the status quo, and disrupt technology”. And during the entire interview process or onboarding, they focus on “culture fit” and how a new hire can fit in the existing mold. What they really want is “to find another person just like us, self-assessed as an independent innovator to do whatever we want them to do that is similar to our current work”

For example, we tell ourselves we want someone who challenges us, who pushes us outside of our comfort zone, to grow with them. In fact, what we want is a familiar comfort, someone who will always be there, to care for us, to be an anchor, a weight, a comfort blanket. And when they challenge us, they push us, we asked them “Why can’t you just stay still and be happier and enjoy this little bit of comfort we have worked so hard to earn?”

For example, we tell ourselves we live in a province of bootstrappers and innovators who care about equality and people helping people, and we value true courage and leadership. Yet, once and again, we voted in racist homophobes to unlock the “free market” to give people equal access. Yet, once and again, when the racist homophobes we voted for “do what is right” to protect people’s lives and health, we vote them out of office so we can select a more-racist homophone. What we really want is the people just like us in the position of power so they do our bidding and come up with policies that benefit us. 

And so, back to the classic Buddhist fable “Who is the self?” This obsession with the self, with the “I”, is the basis of all sufferings in Buddhist teachings. Yet, here we are. Here I am.

We often say self-awareness is the first step (of a 12-step-addition program?) but I’m often stuck on where to go from here. Do I fundamentally alter myself so this restlessness would go away? Do I give up on helping others, on being collaborative, so I don’t have to always feel taken for granted? Do I stop longing for growth, so that comfort can be welcome? Do I stop relying on others, to get the speed and productivity I need, and stop feeling so resentful of being so alone? Do I stop longing for others, just so I won’t feel so isolated? Do I stop desiring social justice and the embrace of a city and a province that has turned increasingly hostile because I am among the few and the privileged?

Am I the only one around here to say what I want and am ready to embrace all the hard work and all the heartbreak that come with it?

Even that, itself, can feel pretty isolating and lonely. Being alone on the first step of the 12-step-program called “Facing what we truly want”