“Wherever you go, there you are”
In recent meditations about life, career, and friendships, it is becoming increasingly clear that I’m the shared problem in all my problems. No, not the “It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem it me” kind of problem. If anything, it’s the opposite of that. In the effort to not be the Anti-Hero (i.e. a total asshole), I am often the hinderer of my own “progress” in life, career, and friendships.
In looking at all these gorgeous people on the internet (Instagram, mostly, which has been very bad for my mental health) and their relationships, their children, and their gorgeous friend groups who dress up for Halloween as a group or travel together as a group, I couldn’t help but wonder, what is wrong with me? In a cynical way, the problem is me. These people are gorgeous. They are outgoing. They love sports. They love spending time meeting others. I just want to stay at home and read. 25 minutes drive up north is too far for me.
I remember a time in my life when I used to have friends and social circles. And that is mostly just universities. Easy access to community, public transit, and also the general lack of exhaustion from work. I had more time and flexibility in my life. And overall energy. Even then, I was often depressed and isolated. I really didn’t find belonging anywhere.
I’ve read more and more articles about the life and career of (the now Oscar nominated) Ke Huy Quan. 40 years. He spent 40 years struggling, waiting for a role, for an opportunity, to even be working. “Only thing that separates women of colour from anyone else is opportunity” – Viola Davis. I’m at the point in my life where I feel I’m never going to be a part of any board rooms. I’m never going to be a part of any close knit friend groups. I’m never going to be a part of a sports club (can’t play sports), arts club (can’t sing/dance/performe), and fun clique (can’t do a high school mean girls thing). And I think the problem is more than skin deep. It’s not race/sexuality/background. People loves talking about diversity and inclusion, as long as the “diverse” people they want to “include” are extroverts who want to pound table and talk endlessly in meetings about themselves.
And so here we are. There I am. Wherever I go.
But I’m learning to slowly be ok with it. In the few opportunities that ever came in my life, they have all turned into amazing life-long connection.
A girl that I met by chance, across a long dining hall table in Singapore, has become a 20-year-long friendship. I hope to see her this year, Ms Kelly Chan.
A mentor, a boss who had taken a chance on a young Vietnamese intern and gave him a chance to become a software engineer in a tech start up, and now a life long friend, Elise.
A man who took a chance encounter and drove 20 minutes each eay to see me, has become a friend, a companion, a love of my life for the past 8 years, my hubby Dan.
A random encounter in a tech conference in San Francisco, a completely different personality and person, that has now become a friend, a confidant, and potentially a life long friendship (and a frequent updates on white women in pop culture) Marcus.
Very few has invited me to the table. Very few has welcomed me as I am. Loud and obnoxious at times. Quiet and introverted at times. Sometimes caring, sometimes selfish, mostly stubborn.
So I guess I have a few less fun updates on Instagram, and I will never get a C in front of my job title, and my friends and family can be counted by fingers (and none of them have abs); but they are enough. They are more than enough.
I am enough. I am more than enough.
I am grateful for my life. I just need to be less ungrateful to myself and the life I have had.
It’s very very far from picture perfect, but it’s pretty damn worth being grateful for.
Pace Fine Arts 