Past lives

“But the truth I learned here is, you had to leave because you’re you. I liked you for who you are; and who you are is a person who leaves. But for him, you’re the person who stays” – Past lives

After a grueling 32-hour flight with 2 layovers, we are finally back in Vietnam. It’s been more than 5 years since we last came home. This time, I’m coming back as a Canadian, passport & all. It feels strange. To be a foreigner in a place you were born and raised.The past few weeks has been a whirlwind, mostly at work. It was the kind of tumulus times that makes one question one’s career choices and their past turns in this careers. It was the kind of time that makes are wonder “What even is the point anymore?”. Nothing is certain. There maybe nothing left to return to anymore. “We have a good life, though, right?” Dan asks. And we do. And I am grateful.

And I am reminded that anytime anything good ever happened in my life, that is because I have been the one who leaves. I left behind Vietnam because I wanted a better education and opportunity for myself. I left Singapore because I wanted a life that is authentic. I left the US because I wanted to be an immigrant who are welcome and felt like I belong. I left several jobs because I wanted to grow, to challenge myself, and to be taken seriously. I have always been the one who leaves.

Yet, I have always wanted to be the one who belongs. I wanted to stay. Everytime I’m back, I felt this sense of belonging, of nostalgia, of roots, and of context.I’m also reminded of why I needed to leave. So, a few weeks break and surrounding myself with family, with friends, with traditions and childhood memories and with delicious food, might be good for the soul.

And maybe, just maybe, of all the lives I could have had of all the possibilities, the one life I have now, challenging and chaotic and all, may be the best and the one life I will ever had.

And I have to start to learn to stay in it.