I’ve never been a dancer, but I do know joy. I’ve never been the one who waited, but I do know things will eventually turn out fine. I’ve never been the one who likes the darkness, but I know the darkest nights bring the brightest dawn.
I have never been a clubber. Bright lights, loud music, and beautiful people have never been “my scene”. But as we danced during Market Day in Chicago, I found myself at the center of a small dance floor and actually enjoyed it. On the first day, there was a young man who reached his hands out, and I danced with him and his friends. My friend said, “still got it”. And I laughed to myself. “I have never had … got it”. In my younger days, I never went clubbing, and when I did I stuck to the walls. My hair was long and messy. I wore clothes 2 sizes too big. I never knew how to dance. Maybe it’s the aging. Maybe it’s the confidence aging brings. I’m too old to be bullied by the voices in my head. I’m too old to spend more time hiding by the wall, sticking to the cliche definitions of who is allowed to be in the center of attention. Sometimes, even a wallflower can bloom.
This year, I am doing something unprecedented. I have taken August off. “Self-funded sabbatical”, I call it. During this time, I have done some exciting things. I traveled and visited some of my extended family, and my really close friends, including my first career mentors in Philadelphia. I’ve created art. I’ve gone hiking several times. I’ve learned some new things and even built some software projects in the Basement Lab. I’ve even dared call it “hot boys summer”. This is probably the most selfish, self-centered, and the most radical act of self-love I have ever done. I have always gone from one job to another (I even worked while I was studying). I have always been about taking care of others first. I have always been one that is responsible, that is with the plan. Not this summer. This summer is brat. And when the wallflower blooms, the walls don’t fall apart. The strong foundation that we built didn’t crumble. Instead, we found joy. We found togetherness. And I found myself surrounded by people that I love, that built me up, that acknowledged the beauty of everything that I’ve been through.
Some days I have to pinch myself. How did I get so lucky?
I mean there was a lot of heartbreak and hard work involved, don’t get me wrong. But how many of us have the chance, and the privilege, to come out of those heartbreak and hard work with what we’re hoping for.
I’m in a loving, committed, and enduring marriage. I’m coming to a job in September that I’m actually excited (and anxious) about. I have friends everywhere in the world who know my story and know me. We’re living in a country where our rights are not being threatened by the next election. We’re living in peace and I’m in good health (for a 40-year-old, anyways).
The thing about wallflowers is that they are most comfortable by the walls, and I will be back to that soon enough. It’s just nice to know that I can and still do bloom in a while.
Like my friends lovingly called it, I “still got it”.
Pace Fine Arts 