(Cautiously) Pacing Forward

As more and more people are posting 2022 photos and memories and the online life they presented for themselves, I can’t help but feeling, what’s the word, hopeful. People who know me know I do not do New Year resolutions (They fail usually at the Jan 15th mark and they are all undue pressure on your mental health). But there are some learning that I will apply this year.

Time, energy, and priority: I do have a tendency to be people pleaser. Growing up, coming out, and even working in corporate setting, I am subjected to FOMO and I often lean towards people please. What makes it worse is, even with friends and acquaintants, I will try and try and try to schedule time with them when they are just simply “busy”. This year, I want to focus on the people who makes time, who shows up, who prioritizes me. I often feel bad (and cold) to think if someone doesn’t add values to your life and you let them go. But as I grew older, I realize more and more (and maybe my work and my SVP has kinda shown me too), that the people you chose to keep in your circles are the people that shape you

Travel: This year is my 20th friend-niversary with Kelly. On our 10th year we went to Hawaii. I really wanted to meet her somewhere this year, probably Switzerland, a land that I’ve been wanting to go and never find the time/money/companion combo to go with. It’s about time I get home to Vietnam too. I don’t know how we will fit all our travel plans in, with the limited amount of time, and vacation days that I have. But intention often shapes reality

Remember to breathe: I need to slow down and show compassion for myself. I often put a lot of pressure on myself to keep moving forward. I really wanted that promotion this year. But looking back at my career, and my life, for that matter, it’s never been a linear line. Every rejection opened a door to something else entirely different and arguably more wonderful. Being rejected to exchange at Standford opened up UPenn and let me meet my mentor Elise. Things not workng out with Oren lead me to Dan. Being rejected for mobile app dev at Blackline kicked me into Ontario role. Who knows what this year brings. My life goes in 3 years cycle of a sine looking wave. If that is any prediction, it will get way worse this year before it gets any better. But we will see. 

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it is that life is unpredictable. It also has taught us that humans fall right back to our old ways, our fallacy, and we gravitate towards our worst tendencies. This year, I want to be intentional, kind, and mindful about the things that I will do, and we will keep moving forward. Not upward, forward.

Happy New Year

(This is the first part of a year end two-parter: Year in review + looking ahead) 

2022 was … well… wild. It is hard to describe a year with so many surprises, so many ups and downs, and so many instability. But I’ll try.

As we were heading out of the pandemic (and some might argue we are not even out yet), this created an extreme uncertain time in humanity. Politics become so polarized that even a right wing leader like the Permier of our province got kicked out for “not being Pro-freedom enough”. The discourse becomes so binary and nasty that it has become pure theater. Great leadership is few and far between. The invasion of Ukraine by Russia see the West scrambling, searching for its soul once more. The roller coaster ride, first heated, non stop acceleration of tech, and then the correction with the crash of crypto, FTX, and now massive layoff. It’s been wild

On the personal front, I unceremonously turned 37. We traveled internationally again. We finally took that honeymoon that has been delayed for 2.5 years. We decided not to adopt. We decided not to move. My parner decided to get out of provincial politics for now due to above said nastiness. My brother got laid off. I was turned down for a promotion. 

Perhaps, the theme of this year would be self doubt. Not that I doubt my values, my core, my intelligence, or my ability. I know I am a good person and I want to do good for the world. I know I can learn and be better at things, maybe even be great at things. The doubt is whether these are the things that I want to continue to do, and whether the world sees my values as I see it.

With tech the way it is, with tech biollionaires and tech gurus exploiting people, with the widening gaps of the haves and haves not, with the world rewarding horribly selfish, self-centered, explotative individuals, I couldn’t help but wonder, do I want to be there? Do I want to be one of these “so-called” leaders? I didn’t mind that I didn’t get the promotion (I had a hunch), what made me wonder more than anything was the feedback that I got. “You need more network. It’s about your brand name and the people you know. I have 4000 followers on Twitter.” “You need to be more strategic. We need to hear your voice at strategy meetings.” (which I more or less don’t get invited to). I could not help but wonder, I am already working at one of the most progressive and diverse teams in one of the most progressive and diverse company in Alberta, and this is the feedback I’ve got, what chance in hell do I have anywhere? People don’t get opportunity to be in strategic meetings and board rooms and access to mentorship to these places, and for the lack of these experience, they will never get there. 

With the world the way it is, with liars and violent agitators winning and getting what they want, or at least not being held accountable for their actions, I could not help but wonder, is there hope for us? What is the point? Look at our leaders here in Canada. Look at the opposition leaders. None of them inspire confidence, or even just simply inspire. Zelensky, a comedian actor, in a war against one of the most powerful nations (and bullies) in the world, steps up and leads, and be the beacon of hope his nation needs. Our leaders are pondering destroying our Constitution to protect the right to plastic straw.

So maybe this year, for Christmas, I wish for hope. If Santa or whoever can just deliver hope in a package. No gift wrap required. If all I can have this year, is a direction, a manual, a guidebook, for how I can translate my values, my belief, my hope, my faith, and my ability, into a path forward, I’d really appreciate it. I’m feeling truly lost in this wild wild world. 

Nothing new and riveting this time around, I’m afraid. After spending a full week on an all-team-member, all-in-office meeting, one fact hits me in the face. “When someone tells you they are too busy for you or the things you want them to do with/for you; it just means they have other higher priority (and unfortunately you/the thing you care about is not)”

That’s it. That’s the epiphany

Would have been nice to be a priority for once, though.

I don’t know what has brought on the recent funk in my life, and I was determined to find out.

It might be because I was recently turned down for a promotion. It might be because I came back from a 3-week-trip in Europe to the same old familiar, and a province now run by conspiracy theorists. It might be cause I am searching for anything that I want to spend hours on, like arts, swimming, and skill, and I have found nothing. It might be because this restlessness is only met with more loneliness and I’m afraid it will do to me.

I mean in the sense of classic Ikigai, I had it pretty good. I have a decent job that I used to think I was decent at and it will help others and humanity that I quite like. But lately, I’ve been asking “Do I really love it? Do I really love software engineering?” Or is it because I’m decently good at it and because without software, I literally have no other marketable and transferrable skills? And it does do good for the world and others? I look at the world with the tech billionaires, with Elon now owning Twitter and with Mark ruining the Metaverse, I couldn’t help but wonder, “How much of this tech world and software world can I influence and change?” 

I was searching deep down in my soul for the thing that “I’m passionate about”, the thing I can spend hours on, the thing I keep polishing my skills at. If the garden this year is any indication, I can spend 3-4 years learning a new skill that I absolutely sucked at. If my painting is any indication, I can spend days and days, 6-10 hours each day working on one thing and completing it. If my Lego is any indication, I get obsessed and I go at it like a dog with a bone until I’m finished. If my first novel is any indication, I can create something, spending half hour a day on lunch break for 2 years to complete it. I am capable of that one thing you are “passionate about”. I just am having a really hard time finding it.

It’s Halloween and seeing all the people on social media going to party with costumes, I thought to myself, I have no energy for that anymore. I used to spend days making some obscure references into a costume. In a poorly adapted metaphor, I’m a vehicle in need of both the compass and the fuel. I always coach my team members about direction and autonomy. Instead, here I am, stagnating, alone, sitting in place slowly sinking into an ice lake filled with political uncertainty and human isolation.

I miss the time when the direction was simple. Get out of Vietnam. Get a scholarship. Graduate. Get a job. Go somewhere I can be authentic. Get married. Build a family. Be a CTO of a tech scale-up.

This funk feels like an empty void, one that is slowly swallowing up everything, not fast enough to be noticed, but present enough to be torturous. 

After all, as I read somewhere, black holes should be the most terrifying costume about Halloween.

( This is an introspective meditation about inward honesty)

I’ve realized more and more lately that what we as humanity said we wanted is often at odds with what we actually want. Similarly, sometimes we only want “the good”, without “the bad”. In other words, we only wish for “the perfect” that doesn’t exist.

For example, (some) men often say “I want to date/marry a strong and independent woman”. And when they do meet one, they complain about her being too headstrong, they complain about her not needing them so they felt their masculinity is threatened. What they really want is “to conquer a strong and independent woman to be theirs”

For example, some tech companies will say “We look for independent thinkers who can break the mold, challenge the status quo, and disrupt technology”. And during the entire interview process or onboarding, they focus on “culture fit” and how a new hire can fit in the existing mold. What they really want is “to find another person just like us, self-assessed as an independent innovator to do whatever we want them to do that is similar to our current work”

For example, we tell ourselves we want someone who challenges us, who pushes us outside of our comfort zone, to grow with them. In fact, what we want is a familiar comfort, someone who will always be there, to care for us, to be an anchor, a weight, a comfort blanket. And when they challenge us, they push us, we asked them “Why can’t you just stay still and be happier and enjoy this little bit of comfort we have worked so hard to earn?”

For example, we tell ourselves we live in a province of bootstrappers and innovators who care about equality and people helping people, and we value true courage and leadership. Yet, once and again, we voted in racist homophobes to unlock the “free market” to give people equal access. Yet, once and again, when the racist homophobes we voted for “do what is right” to protect people’s lives and health, we vote them out of office so we can select a more-racist homophone. What we really want is the people just like us in the position of power so they do our bidding and come up with policies that benefit us. 

And so, back to the classic Buddhist fable “Who is the self?” This obsession with the self, with the “I”, is the basis of all sufferings in Buddhist teachings. Yet, here we are. Here I am.

We often say self-awareness is the first step (of a 12-step-addition program?) but I’m often stuck on where to go from here. Do I fundamentally alter myself so this restlessness would go away? Do I give up on helping others, on being collaborative, so I don’t have to always feel taken for granted? Do I stop longing for growth, so that comfort can be welcome? Do I stop relying on others, to get the speed and productivity I need, and stop feeling so resentful of being so alone? Do I stop longing for others, just so I won’t feel so isolated? Do I stop desiring social justice and the embrace of a city and a province that has turned increasingly hostile because I am among the few and the privileged?

Am I the only one around here to say what I want and am ready to embrace all the hard work and all the heartbreak that come with it?

Even that, itself, can feel pretty isolating and lonely. Being alone on the first step of the 12-step-program called “Facing what we truly want”

 (No, not the Fall, as in autumn the season, the Fall of Democracy) 

As I was walking to the office this morning, I saw the sculpture of the Indigenous Chief on 7th Ave. This is one of the very first photos I took on my very first snow day in Calgary. It’s been 10 years. And while I’m feeling nostalgic on a beautiful brisk fall morning, I couldn’t help but feel this city, this place, is rejecting me like cancer.

For those of you who don’t know (Well, most of you, since Canadian politics is a lot quieter and a lot less insane compared to the things that are going on around the world), yesterday, a small group of citizens (around 60,000 conservatives) elected the next Premier of the province, someone who is a known Trump fan, against the vaccine, and campaigned upon the ideology of everything against the federation and federal. In her lengthy 20 minutes victory speech, in the barrage of attacks on progressive parties and politicians, vaccines, education, and healthcare, no mention of LGBTQ and other human rights (aside from the call to be compassionate to seniors). It is deliberate. We all know the “grassroots” conservatives that support her hate people like us, and by not bringing this up, she hopes to have the cake and eat it too. Federally, we have a Conservative leader that flirts with the alt-right, white supremacist, and veiled length video of “Make Canada great again” in the form of woods. 

A lot of my Canadian friends have tried to calm me – dismiss my concerns as overblown and overt anxiety. “We’re not that bad” – they said. “Canada is still a lot more moderate than in the US” – they said. I wonder if anyone has experienced this feeling of “others”, this feeling of “you are welcome here because you are who you are and we like you and your talents and your tax dollars, but your people we don’t want”. During the height of the pandemic, articles about Chinese immigrants in BC (and even ON). Articles about the “replacement” theory gain mainstream recognition. The ongoing attack on the trans community, even from the leader of a major party in Canada. You are welcome here in Alberta until you are a visible “other”; until you stop being the courted vote, the successful able body cis person. 

I remembered vividly 10-11 years ago, having a conversation with my friend from Singapore, a gay immigrant, discussing leaving or staying in Singapore. You may not know this, but Singapore has one of the most anti-LGBTQ laws and a hostile environment for developed countries. The country is beautiful, wealthy, safe, etc. but teachers do get fired for being gay, gay marriage is NEVER going to be a possibility, and when I left gay sex is still a criminal offense. Anyhow, my friend said, “If you love a place, you don’t leave, you stay and make it better. You stay and you changed it”. 

I did stay in Vietnam. I went back to Vietnam. I tried to make a difference from a position of strength and power. And all I had was rejection and heartache. And I left in heartache. 

People often mistake me for being resilient, adaptive, and being able to make huge fundamental changes. They don’t know that I’m the one who leaves. Sometimes, winners win by quitting toxic environments and situations that are no longer beneficial and nurturing for them. 

I guess, now, we will have to see, if I have enough courage and if I love this place enough to stay, and change it, and make it better.

The upside of having a honeymoon three years after the wedding, and eight years after meeting a person, is that you get to discover and get to know them all over again. “I know what I signed up for.” And when we are both a lot older (but only a little bit less cute), it can be, well, romantic. 

France, to its credit, is an epicenter of culture, the arts, religious buildings, and religious arts. To say I didn’t enjoy it is a lie. The paintings, the cathedrals, the architecture, the sculptures, everywhere you look, there is a stunning piece of art and religion displayed in plain sight. It’s magnificent, really. 

So it should come as no surprise that we were in a church at least once a day. I felt like we went to more churches than we have in the whole year. 

I have a complicated relationship with Christianity and Jesus. I mean, I do appreciate the point in time and the richness of history and culture Christianity brought to Europe, and humanity in general. I do believe in the story of Jesus and his leadership and sacrifices for these people. Yet, as a person, Christianity (and its followers) have rarely been kind to me and people like me. And as I wander about another grand palace for the Pope or the grand cathedral of another epic scale, I couldn’t help but wonder, what blood of the colonized, blood of the Indigenous, and the blood of the peasants who built these grand palaces and places have spilled in the name of faith? With the rise of Christo-fascism in North America and the continued oppression of LGBTQ people in Singapore, it is hard to fully appreciate all this grandeur. “I wonder how often people in Europe think about this kind of thing?” – Dan pondered. To which I respond “It’s funny how the oppressors rarely have to think about their history, isn’t it?”. As the sunlight lit up another stained glass window, refracting the most stunning display on the stoned arches and walls, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Are you there God? Do you see what we have done in your name? Did Jesus die for our sins so Republicans can own guns and regulates others’ choices to health care, to immigration, and to marriage”. Yes, you can argue I’m too ‘woke’ to be pondering these things while visiting just another church, but isn’t it what “faith” is, to invoke deeper questions about life and humanity, not just another building?

Speaking of “woke”, I think I started looking at the arts now differently than a decade ago. Fun fact: I took an Arts history course in Singapore years ago, so I generally know what the period is, who these painters are, and their general styles and aesthetics. And man, they are beautiful. They are a signifier of time, and history, and religion, and world views that are unique and stunning. I would argue that not very many contemporary arts these recent years have invoked similar responses (“You can’t just put a giant lollipop in the middle of a museum and call it “arts” and commentary on the current society”). However, as I walked through hours and hours of museums after museums, I kept pointing out to Dan the skewed worldview of the arts. “Oh, look, another young woman who is so busy that she went to work with half her boobs hanging out! Oh, look, a beautiful woman who takes a nap in the middle of a park in the nudes while all the clothed men stare at her. Oh, wow, white Jesus”. Also, how many times and variations do we need to depict Jesus being tortured. Maybe that’s why I have always loved landscapes and architecture paintings of the past. And yes, that is reading too much into these works, but, isn’t it just like faith, arts are meant to trigger deeply subjective, deeply personal responses?

So yes, Paris and France live up to their reputation when it comes to the stunning Art and Religion scene. I’m just no longer sure if Art and Religion is my scene anymore. I’m not sure if I am ever refined enough, or religious enough, to live here (thank God I don’t live in France.)

My church is my people and my art is my voice. I guess my people are just not Christian, and my art is not that of men who view the world as serving their own narrow-minded desires.

Dan’s friend once belovedly called him the “Cultural Slave Driver”. And so while we were planning for the trip, we decided that we would go to the 3 castles nearest to Paris (and by “near”, it’s like an hour train each way. and he insisted “there are 10-13 of them. these are very close). 

So I put away my thoughts about cute berets and fancy cafes and hot French men, and hop on a train to see kings and queens and their lavish life from centuries past. To be fair, these castles are stunning. They are large labyrinths with thousands of rooms with decorative patterns and objects. Walls and ceilings are filled with paintings and sculptures. Everywhere you look, it’s a piece of history and a moment in time of these people, these “leaders” of the past.

The garden was stunning. It’s miles and miles of well-groomed trees and plants, flower beds and fountains, more sculptures, and even more stunning architectural designs. Everywhere you look, there’s a mythology, a story, an extravaganza celebration of culture and arts. Yet, I couldn’t shake this nagging feeling, all that is encompassed in 1 word “guillotine”. I know I’m strange. Also, as a person who grew up in communism and has been personally impacted by it, I’m weirdly aligned with the peasants and the poor instead of the kings and queens. These castles are not even regular residents. They are hunting estates. They are hideaway places so these so-called leaders can hide away from the people they “govern”. Which is both despicable and cowardly. And as I see one more intricate clock and one more fancy gold carved vase, I keep having this nagging feeling that “fate” and “destiny” and even “God-given right to govern” are just excuses from the rich and the powerful to rule over the less fortunate. This is just the French people. Don’t get me started on the colonialism bs. 

Of course, Dan made a very compelling point that everywhere we go, we see castles and monuments from the past. Gold temples in Thailand. Old kings residence in Vietnam. I went to a couple of medieval castles in the UK. It’s fun and great to see castles from France, from a time of the Resonance, the Revolution, and all that came with that history. But about the 6th-hour mark and the third castle, that same nagging feeling (coupled with the hangry-ness of not having decent food in a Disneyland-like touristy place) has turned me into a bitchy monster. (And I do feel bad about it)

And of course, on the night of day 3 of our trip, news of the British queen being very ill broke. (Spoilers alert, she passed away a day later, which caused some “interesting” ripple effect to our trip – more on that later). Fun fact: The Queen is STILL the head of state of Canada (and now, yes, we are stuck with King Charles). And of course, Lord Kenny, the Premier of Alberta, is a known monarchist. I know some people in Canada care about the queen and they were deeply affected by that, so not to be too insensitive, but I care very little about the death of the Queen. I’m sorry. I mean, she’s 96 years old. She has served her whole life. People die (Old people die even more often). She lived a full life. She had all these beautiful homes and estates and castles. And it’s ok to grieve and mourn her. Just don’t expect the rest of us to do the same (The funny thing, I realize, about Westerners is that they want everyone to do the thing they think is important. You know. Be a Christian. Buy more guns. Don’t say gay.) I mean as a person from a colonized country, as a person who has a job and pays taxes, it is hard for me to feel anything for the British monarch. 

The first few days of the trips were … interesting. I did really enjoy it, to be fair (given the overall negative tone of this note). I’m reminded that I married a nerdy history buff who needs very little food or water and walk around for hours staring at old buildings and reciting all these myths from ancient Greece or Rome. I’m reminded that I am stubborn af, and only one of us can read maps (spoilers alert, not Dan) but the other one is the one with the working phone. I’m reminded that we are two very very different people who somehow found each other, somehow got stuck with each other in this vast universe where one can be born kings and queens, or peasants, and all of that can go away and crumbles like bricks from the past. Dan is reminded that I am loud and embarrassing, and I like to say the word “guillotine” out loud in French public places (maybe I should try “Eat the rich”, but I prefer low-fat diets). 

Yes. Our honeymoon is like our relationship. Confusing as hell to outsiders. Romantic af in the weirdest way to us. 

 The Honeymooners – Day 1: Paris in the rain

People romanticize Paris. They romanticize the rain. Paris in the rain is made into movies, into songs, into arts, and into memories of people. Paris is extremely romantic in the rain. 

Except I am a cynic, and I hate the rain, and we were on our honeymoon with a spreadsheet of itineraries full of things to do outdoors. 

On the first day to Paris, after 8 hours on the flight, a little groggy, a lot hungry, and the hubby decided we need to go up a hill to visit the Sacre-Coeur (the Sacred Heart) cathedral, I was (understandably, in my defense) a bit hangry and bitchy. And then it rains. Not the drizzle romantic let’s put on the umbrella and walk under it kinda rain. It’s a flash flood rushing down the hills of the funicular kind of rain. 

We had our raincoats on, but we decided to take shelter underneath the streetlights. People ran away from the rain. We waited. The 20 days ahead of us are going to be interesting, I thought. I, a tech nerd, decided that I will not need my data roaming. He, someone who already spent too much time on the phone, will have roaming on for work and will use it to navigate us. I, an assertive type-A person who makes snap decisions in seconds will now have to take the lead from a meticulous, research-oriented, overthinking every little decision we have to make. I, a talkative Anglophone will have to rely on a more reserved, more rule-following Francophone. He, a devoted Christian and a history buff, loves to see museums and churches, to learn about the lives of kings and queens and politicians. I, a free-spirited artsy fartsy person who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the Monarchy in any country, just want to eat macarons and drink coffee while checking out European cuties in cafes. This would be a fun ride. 

People romanticize honeymoon. They romanticize lovers. 

But just like Paris in the rain, our life is not a romance novel. Our life is messy. Someday it’s a flash flood. Some days, it’s full of rumbling of thunder and flashes of lightning. 

In a weird, Paris in the rain way, our life is just as beautiful. 

And maybe even a little romantic.