“Are you fulfilled? Do you feel fulfilled in life?”
Usually, that is the type of question that would have sent me to a downward spiral and curled me up in a corner on the floor. That’s a tough question. That’s a big, grand question about how many of our big, grand ambitions and desires get fulfilled
I will never be “Top 40 under 40” in any categories in any cities or countries. I will never be a biological father of a child. I am not a CTO of a tech company. I haven’t started my lifelong schorphange dream. I am very far from my beach house in Vietnam.
Whenever I feel unfulfilled, I will start with “What if”. What if I just work harder? What if I try this? What if I move to a different city and not this conservative hellhole? What if? What if?
And then “it gets”What if” becomes “If only”. If only I were white. If only I were straight. If only I had the connections, the mentors, and more support. If only I were given an opportunity. If only I were better looking. If only my parents were wealthy. If only. If only.
I’m not going to revert to the “Money doesn’t buy you happiness” cliche. Only poor people and people who don’t know how to spend their money say that 😀
What I would say, though, is: some days, I am more fulfilled than others. Some days, I feel incredibly lucky. Some days, I feel incredibly hopeful. Some days, the “What if” and the “If only” take the back seat, and the feeling “I am where I was supposed to be” takes over for a minute. It is a complicated feeling.
I could not help but wonder, is the “fulfillment” talk coming from the Ego of the self? I feel unfulfilled because I think I deserve better. I feel unfulfilled because I think my boss doesn’t appreciate us enough. I feel unfulfilled because that stranger on the internet has a better body, better face shape, and better photographs taken of them. I feel unfulfilled because that young brown man dating some old white dude twice his age reminds me of my failed relationships and emotional abuses of the past. I feel unfulfilled because I had to earn all my career steps while others seem to have it easy. A lot of “I” here.
I’ve come a long way from where I was, a kid from a lower-middle-class family with a blue-collar working dad and a teacher mom in Vietnam. NUS gave me a scholarship, so I left Vietnam as a teenager. Elise and Roy took a chance on me, and I came to UPenn. Guenther supported my Master’s application, so I came to Canada. Sean accepted me as the global project manager for a scale-up company. I met Dan. We bought a house and got married just before the pandemic, and while the rate was still affordable. I got the Canadian passport just before all these geopolitical uncertainties happened and the immigration sentiment upheaval. This may be a series of fortunate events. This could also be a series of “What if” and “If only” that I have not seen. Somewhere, out there, a young man is looking at my life and asking all the similar “What if” and “If only”.
So I don’t know if I am fulfilled. Life is certainly not perfect. My anxiety is enough for me to completely remove all social media apps on my phone (I still kinda periodically just check on family and friends updates and some LinkedIn content on my desktop, like an old man, but I blocked all others’ updates)
However, when I am not completely overwhelmed with work, life, politics, and *gesturing at everything around me*, I am generally fulfilled with my life.
If only I were a better Buddhist. What if everything is already perfect, and I am already here, just as I am, just as they are?
Pace Fine Arts 