I have been on a bit of a mini soul-searching (soul-crushing?) journey in the past few weeks about my life, my career, and my relationships with people (mostly friendship). The question “Where did I go wrong?” comes up a fair bit.
I know what people said about “Comparison is the thief of joy”, but I also don’t want to fall into the trap of complacency. I know (and I am incredibly grateful and proud) of where I am in life, about my career, my family, and my accomplishments, given the humble beginning and background of a gay brown immigrant. Where I am worried is that I am standing still and being complacent in the excuse of being a gay brown immigrant and my own “victim mentality” instead of continuing to move forward.
I think social media is having the same effect on me as it does on teenage girls. It creates this facade, this need to compare, this feeling of inadequacy and restlessness. It made me question my past. It made me feel restless about the present. It made me feel a ton of self-doubt for the future.
I saw many young minority men (often brown, often very young, some my acquaintants, some close friends) getting together and dating significantly older white men. I’m not sure what bothers me more: the fact that our society is structured so much around white privilege and whiteness that white men “get better valued” with age and dark-skinned men like us get cast by the sideline; or the fact that these old men treat these young boys so nice and with so many grand gesture and back in the day my (much older) ex was emotionally abusive and gaslighting me to shit. Is it a social justice concern about a structurally inherent societal problem, or is it my own projection of my trauma?
I often struggle with (adult) friendship and working relationships. As much as I am jealous of others with tons of friends and events they attend on Instagram, I couldn’t help but wonder, “What is wrong with me?” that I can’t get even a family member to respond or attend an event invite? I can’t get a friend to even reply to a message? I can’t get someone to show up and be reliable when I need help? Is my introversion getting in the way of forming meaningful connections? Is my odd sense of humor pissing people off? Am I too needy?
I saw on LinkedIn that some of my past peers or coworkers (often white, often tall) are moving ahead, and moving past me. And I couldn’t help but wonder, “Where did I go wrong?” (resisting the urge to go into the usual “because I’m a brown gay immigrant space”). I reconnected with a university friend who started a company 20 years ago and finally went public. There’s a colleague that I admired and respected who became CTO a year ago or so, because he stuck with his company through the pandemic and some very intense period. I couldn’t help but wonder: “Do I lack grit? Do I run at the first sign of hardship, abuse, and a toxic work environment too easily? Maybe if I had stuck it out?”
“Do you still meditate?” – a friend and mentor asked. To be honest, I haven’t. It’s been a bit of a struggle. I have been overwhelmed. I have avoided both meditation (capacity creation) and learning new things (capability increase) because I have been stressed, and it’s feeding into itself by making me lazy and avoidant. I did my best to stick to my diet and my gym to create some sense of routine, but even that has been taxing.
These are the same old routine. Same old complaints and anxiety about life. I wish I had a mentor and a friend similar to myself. I also wish I had a champion, a sponsor, someone who saw my work and my worth, and a good advocate for me.
Maybe I just wish to be seen. That’s all. And I wish to get ahead in life, not despire, but because, I am exactly who I am.
Pace Fine Arts 